i'm not sleeping

Filed under: Things that don’t need to be...

Wed, 23 May 2012 14:41:49 -0500

Filed under: Things that don’t need to be modeled.

Missing caption: Me? Oh nothing, just sending out some emails and “multi-tasking.”

You’re on my list, Target…

Life is rough.

Sun, 20 May 2012 20:29:48 -0500

Life is rough.

My husband spoils his bitches. Bitches like to be spoiled.

Sun, 20 May 2012 13:44:48 -0500

My husband spoils his bitches. Bitches like to be spoiled.

retrogasm: Bates Motel GPOY

Wed, 16 May 2012 15:48:28 -0500

retrogasm:

Bates Motel

GPOY

He’s not heavy, he’s my 75lb lap dog.

Sun, 06 May 2012 13:37:36 -0500

He’s not heavy, he’s my 75lb lap dog.

Fridays with Buffy

Fri, 04 May 2012 14:56:03 -0500

Sometimes I send things to my friends and I think, this should be a blog post. So guess what?! It’s a blog post! Based on a true story, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Just kidding, there’s nothing innocent about me. Yeah, I know this post is lame…just like my uterus. What else would you expect from me? Pro tip: Don’t expect anything from me and we can remain friends.

So I’m working at home today, which is Spanish for I didn’t get any sleep last night and if y’all want to keep living, it’s better if I stay home today, sleep in, take my pants off and listen to my music really loud. Yeah, I know I didn’t mention anything about “actually working.” Didn’t you read the part about staying alive? DON’T PUSH ME!

It’s really warming up in the house, but if I open the windows, I have to put pants on. Life is hard. And if I put pants on and open the windows, then the weird neighbors know I’m home and they will come over trying to get me to pay them to do lame tasks in my yard. If I have a lawn service already mowing my lawn, and you come over AFTER they mow and also mow my lawn, that doesn’t really count as mowing, just so you know. But, if you’d like to do something repeatedly that will never get you anywhere, I’ll give you my mom’s address, and you can show her how to use her cell phone.

I’m hoping that, one day, these posts will be able to bring me the success everyone is always telling me my writing will bring me. Please get to work on that, I’m getting old and I’d like to be famous while my tits still look nice, so I can pose in Playboy and really make my mom proud. Just kidding, I probably have a better chance to pose in Barely Legal. No, not because I’m under age, because it’s barely legal for me to be allowed to take my clothes off. I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. But if Beyonce can be deemed the most beautiful woman in the world with those thighs, I have a chance. I just need my own airbrush artist to follow up on all my photos, too. It doesn’t matter I have to pay them extra to do my face as well. Haha, I said “do my face.” I’m going to use that as a pick up line, later.

I just googled pornagraphic magazines in case you thought I actually spent my time wisely while on the internets and it gave me a list of magazine names. There’s one called 30somethings that I need to strive for quickly and there’s always 40somethings in case my dream of making it big takes a few years longer than expected. I think my chance at 18somethings has already sailed, unless we’re talking about maturity level because I got that in the bag. Actually, if we’re talking about maturity, it’d be more like 12somethings, but I think I’d probably go to jail for that one. There’s one called Lemon People from Japan which I’m sure would incite a lot of what nightmares are made of, but I don’t sleep anyway so I’ll be looking that one up later. When I’m horn…bored. When I’m bored. Nugget, Knuckle and Zoo Weekly magazines sure are interesting names, too. Not really sure what to expect on those, but I’m guessing a lot of advertisements for My First Fist. IT IS TOO a thing! Don’t even judge me for my knowledge! And finally, there’s nothing really clever about Screw Magazine, but I do really enjoy the fact that they are produced by Milky Way Productions.

Speaking of work, today was supposed to be a drinking day at work and I chose to stay at home, instead. That must be what being a grown up feels like. Just kidding, I have two cases of Zombie Dust in the house and I don’t have to wear pants at home! I know where my priorities lie.

So I’ve been using this stress acne soap for about a month now and you know what?! I totally have more stress and acne than I ever did before! FINALLY, a product that lives up to it’s name! Sorry Neutrogena, but I think you’re doing it wrong!

This is why I should never try and improve myself. I’m allergic to it. No, not self-improvement, the soap. Just kidding, self-improvement gives me hives. I’m just lucky I only got more pimples out of it and not elephant man syndrome. Besides, it doesn’t count IF YOU ALREADY LOOK LIKE THE ELEPHANT MAN! I am not an animal, I’M A HUMAN BEING…with pimples and hives and chest pains! I’m just going to sit over here and wait for Hollywood to call me and make a story of my life. Any minute now… You all should probably choose the actor you’d like to portray you in my life story. Make sure you pick someone hot, so I can have sex with them in between takes. What do you mean I wont be on set?! HAHA you’re hilarious! It’s not like they can find another giant mess to portray me. Oh wait, I guess Lindsay Lohan isn’t doing anything else, is she?

So yeah, I finally fell asleep this morning at 3:30 ish and then I was abruptly woken up with chest pains. I haven’t had chest pains in months, so that’s a giant bite of a shit sandwich. The person that is in charge of my voodoo doll is a total dick! But now, I at least have an excuse when people stop by my cube and catch me grabbing my boob. It doesn’t matter the pains are on the other side of my chest! I can only masturbate with one hand properly, OKAY?! I’m not going to switch up hands to make my story believable! God, it’s like you don’t even understand me.

Alright, I suppose I should be more productive than sitting around entertaining you all day…and that’s why I’m going to find something for lunch. What?! It involves moving into a different room. You can’t expect me to be productive on a empty stomach, there are laws against that!

Um…

Wed, 02 May 2012 13:47:23 -0500

Um…

Hello, beautiful.

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 12:17:23 -0500

Hello, beautiful.

I'll leave this here

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 15:00:44 -0600

I haven’t posted for awhile. I thought I’d do that. I know you’ve been dying to hear about my lack of pants and social skills.

Went for my 3 month check up on my boobs. Guess what? They’re still there! Also, they scheduled another 3 month check up. My boobs have a better social life than I do, those sluts. :(

It’s so nice out, I decided to walk to the doctor’s office. I was approached by a guy who asked me if I was sure I wasn’t supposed to be in school. I told him I was pretty sure it was time for his next eye exam.

I ran into someone handing out The Watchtower magazine. I always take those for two reasons, a) if you take the magazine you’re done with the sales pitch and b) if someone tries to bother me, I pull it out of my purse and ask them if they wanted to know more about the word of god.

If I were on the Price Is Right, today, I would have won both showcases. Instead, I had a lady spread gel on my chest in a dark room and take pictures of my insides. G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yes.

My dog keeps asking to go outside so he can eat my other dog’s shit. Which sounds horrible, but it has its benefits: Sloppy shit kisses and also, half the cleanup! Oh, don’t look at me like that. Do you clean up your dog’s shit? It’s a thankless job. That’s not true, I’m pretty sure my neighbor is thankful when their back yard doesn’t smell like a manure factory, but then again, he pisses in milk jugs and leaves them on the back porch for me to look at, so touché, bitch.

Also, I live next to a bunch of knuckledraggers.

Carry on, nothing left to see here…

truthful tuesday

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:44:52 -0600

“He looks like he has a poncho of hair!!”

what are your goals?

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:31:05 -0600

Seriously, do you have any?

That’s a funny question when you don’t. My therapy homework is to try and make goals for myself and begin to figure out how to accomplish them. I know, therapy homework, are you serious?! Don’t even get me started. Yeah, ok, goals?! You get your hand slapped back enough times and you stop making them. Goals are for people with normal lives, who actually accomplish things. I’m just not feeling this project, or anything, lately.

But, ok, back to the homework. I’m not saying I’m sitting here searching the deep crevices of my brain over this, but the only thing I came up with is sanding my floors. I realize I was supposed to start small, but really, Buffy?! You’ll go far with your shiny floors. I see a long future ahead of you with a dust mop and floor wax. Exciting times ahead! I should write for fortune cookies.

I think therapy is actually making me more depressed. Nothing like being reminded of how far down the hole you really are. And at what point will I be turning a corner? That’s like years from now! Awesome! Just when I start figuring things out, I can check myself into a nursing home where I can attempt to feed myself without a bib and gum down some pudding before TV time and craft hour. I can make myself a paper snowflake with a safety scissors and take it back to my room and stick it to the window and stare at it while I wait for my diaper change or better yet, while I’m catatonic from being molested by Earl the orderly with the neck beard and backne. How’s that for a goal?

I’m frozen, right here. Every step looks a like a moat filled with crocs, the animal, not the shoes. Although the shoes would be just as terrifying, those things are for people named Maybelle who works at the park district and makes bad PowerPoint presentations. She might have ugly shoes and a terrible knowledge of fonts, but she’s probably got some sweet goals. Fucking bitch. She probably wears overalls and kitten sweaters, too. Godammit!

I may or may not have made myself an eXXtra large white russian this evening. Someone stop me! No, seriously, I’m just pouring alcohol in a glass until it tastes good. Oh shaddup, I don’t have any goals, cut me some slack.

I love it when you stumble across things by accident.

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 13:25:46 -0600

I love it when you stumble across things by accident.

GPOYW-please kill me edition.

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:15:58 -0600

GPOYW-please kill me edition.

designbuff I’m a graphic designer…design. My name is buffy…buffy. I love...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 12:21:35 -0600

designbuff

I’m a graphic designer…design.

My name is buffy…buffy.

I love everything design…designbuff.

I don’t wear pants when I’m working…designbuff.

designbuff

“Probably just nosing through the trash.” Anyone...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 21:00:47 -0600

“Probably just nosing through the trash.”

Anyone want two dogs? They’re a real delight to have around the house. They know a lot of really cute tricks, too. Seriously, take them.

Fuck it.

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:12:32 -0600

Fuck it.

Finishing his beer, like a champ. Or an alcoholic. Whatever.

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 22:24:55 -0600

Finishing his beer, like a champ. Or an alcoholic. Whatever.

Because it’s never too early to get the kids doing shots....

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:23:02 -0600

Because it’s never too early to get the kids doing shots. Oh, they’re “cups”? Nevermind.

the truth, right now

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 21:20:57 -0600

I’ve still got my sports bra on from yoga, my hair is in pig tails and I’m wearing my Guns ‘n Roses PJ pants that are 3 sizes too big. I’m eating pork fried rice and drinking a Snow Day. And now you know everything you need to know about me, right now. The end.

No, YOU have weird hobbies.

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 17:23:44 -0600

No, YOU have weird hobbies.